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3. EARS THE KEY TO HAIR (Sept. 2002)
There are still bald people. I don't mean shave-it-off-on-top people. I mean bald people. I mean men who want to run their hands through the kind of hair they had at 20, or even better yet have a beautiful young woman do it for them. We've got stuff. Rogaine. Procepia. Micrografts. Minigrafts. Toupees. Rugs. Clip-On's. Tape-On's. There are still bald guys. We're waiting for the scientific bald breakthrough of all time, yes? The bald want their Salk, their Pasteur. In fact, they pray for the Einstein of hair. May I step forward? Thank you. Not that I'm bald. I'm one of the lucky ones, unbald at 55. But like a billionaire whose heart still bleeds for the poor--- I wanna give. In my case, an inspiration. Call me Einstein, a loving and a hairy guy. I am Einstein and I say the ultimate breakthrough is..ear hair. Now don't get wild, don't laugh. Here is the truth: The more a guy gets bald on top, the thicker the ear hair gets. Ever notice? Let's harness ear power. Mr. President, will you act? We don't really get bald, it just migrates. And what hairs these are! Let a few unclipped days go by and amazo!--- long, thick, virile dark wire shooting out of the sides of your bald head! Find the secret of these hairs, bottle it, and you will be rich beyond the Sultan of Brunei's dreams. This is the Einstein of ear hair speaking. And if I had more time I'd introduce you to Da Vinci, he's the nose hair guy.
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